Where Strength Begins

One year ago I completed Parts 1, 2 & 3 of The Road. (www.theroadadventure.org) This was literally a life-changing experience for me. I experienced true freedom for the first time in my life. I changed my profile picture on Facebook to "The Phoenix". This was the name of our group. I am not too keen on mythology but I love the story and it's the perfect symbol of a life that has been reborn.


A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colourful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends[1]). It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of myrrh twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (sun city in Greek).

Isaiah 61:3
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

While on my walk this morning I was listening to one of my favorite Phillips, Craig & Dean CD's. The song "Where Strength Begins" really hit home with me. Now, I've had this CD for at least 10 years and I've listened to it hundreds of times ... but for some reason, God just reached down and said, "Hey YOU! Rise up!" I am truly rising up (AGAIN) from the ashes.

Here are the words:

Here I sit with this cup of life in front of me
I see it's full but I'm afraid to drink
Because I've tried and I've missed the mark
so many times
I can't forget all the hurt inside

But rising up from the ashes
of these memories
I reach for a hand to save me
And I hear Him Calling

Walk on
Til fear turns to faith and faith becomes sight
Where strength begins
You've got to press on
Move on through the pain
move on to the place
Where weakness ends
Where strength begins

A Devotional on Brokenness - Grace Creates

May 18, 2009

The Joy of Crushed Bones

By Jon Walker

Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Psalm 51:8 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

In the school of Christ, brokenness is a good thing.

Here’s why: It’s impossible to become intimate with God unless we are broken of our independence, broken of our pride, and broken of our insistence that our way is better than God’s.

We must be broken of the illusion that we bring anything to the peace talks when we seek to end our war with God; the only surrender God requires is unconditional.

• Brokenness is the last stop before we finally confess, “I can’t; God can.”
• Brokenness is the apostle Paul confessing, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (Romans 7:24 NIV).
• Brokenness is the prodigal fighting with the pigs over food (Luke 15:11-32).
• Brokenness is Joseph, still in prison, forgotten by the cupbearer (Genesis 40:23).
• Brokenness is Jonah in the belly of a whale, confessing the consequences of running from God, “I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you” (Jonah 1:12 NIV).
• Brokenness is Peter weeping bitterly outside the trial of Jesus (Luke 22:62).
• Brokenness is Jesus abandoning everything to God: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42 NIV).

God breaks us so he can use us. We can smash our pride against the solid rock of Jesus, confess our sins, and admit our need for him; or, the stone can fall on us, meaning God in his ruthless, loving pursuit of us will break us of our pride and sin folly and independence (Matthew 21:44).

Like Jesus serving bread at the Last Supper, God takes us, breaks us, blesses us, and then uses us.

Oh, Lord, may you hear our joy and gladness; may the bones you have crushed rejoice (Psalm 51:8 NIV, author paraphrase).

If you’d like to receive these devotionals regularly, you can sign-up at www.gracecreates.com/subscribe/. Jon Walker writes from www.gracecreates.com. He is a Zondervan author, and the former writer/editor of the Purpose Driven Life On-Line Devotionals. This devotional is copyrighted 2009 by Jon Walker. Used by permission.

Struggling with God's Best

A couple of weeks ago I ran across this prayer that I had written back in 2007 that was based on a book by Bruce Wilkerson called "The Prayer of Jabez". At the time, I was really struggling with some feelings and desires that I knew were not God's best for me. These are the parts that really "hit me in the face!"

Turn my surrendered need into Your unlimited opportunity.

• Note to self: In order for Him to turn my need into an opportunity - I must first SURRENDER it. Learn to "let go" without the claw marks.

Keep me from evil! Keep me away from temptation! I plead for Your safekeeping.
Keep me from making the mistakes I’m more prone to when temptation comes. I confess that what I think is necessary, smart or personally beneficial is so often only the beautiful wrapping of sin. Keep me far away from evil. Keep me safe from the pain and grief that sin brings. For the dangers I can’t see are the ones that I think I can risk because of my experience. Forgive me of my pride and carelessness! Humble me and make me aware of my sin and help me to promptly confess it. Put up a supernatural barrier! Protect me, Father, by Your power! Keep me safe from temptations that pull at my emotions and my physical needs that call out to my sense of what I deserve, what I have “the right” to feel and enjoy.


If you are struggling with feelings and/or desires that you know deep in your heart that are not God's best, I strongly urge you to read that portion outloud - even if you do not "feel" it or even "want" it. Say it outloud - cry it out to God ... Trust in Him and Walk in Faith and the feelings will come back into line with His will. By His grace, He has been answering these prayers in my own life and I pray that he will in your life, too.


Here is the entire prayer.

08/29/07

Dear God,

Give me a HUGE vision for my life. I pray for Your powerful will for my future – I plead with You to answer my request. I know that You long to give me so much more than I ever thought to ask for. I am reaching for a life that will be more honorable for You … nothing but Your fullest blessing will do! I long to hear You say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

In confidence, I believe that You will bring it to pass. Let the loving currents of Your grace and power carry me along. Your great plan for me is surrounding me and sweeping me forward into the important & satisfying life You have waiting for me!

I cry out for the wonderful unlimited goodness that only You have the power to know about or give me. I refuse to let any obstacle, person or opinion loom larger that God’s nature. And Your nature is to bless me! Your nature is to bless me, my family, my friends and my TEAM! Enlarge my life so that I can make a greater impact for You. My family, my friends, my job, my business, my circle of influence, my ministry and my TEAM – all are treasured gifts that YOU have entrusted to me.

My God and King, please expand my opportunities and my impact I such a way that I touch more lives for Your glory. Let me do more for You! I want to be Your servant.

URGENTLY accomplish great things THROUGH me!

Even now, enlarge my borders – Send somebody who needs me – who needs You!

Time and time again I will attempt things large enough that failure is guaranteed … unless YOU step in!

Oh, that Your hand would be with me! Release Your power to accomplish Your will and bring YOU glory through all the seeming impossibilities. Continue the great things You have begun in my life.

I depend on the strong hand of my God. Turn my surrendered need into Your unlimited opportunity. Please do this IN me because I cannot do it alone! I am shouting, “God did THIS – nobody else! God is carrying me, giving me the words and giving me the power – and it is wonderful!”

My only power and success come from You, Father God.

Lord, by Your Spirit, pull off something great for Your glory. I pray for Your Holy Spirit to move in my church, my family, my friends and in my TEAM – bring repentance and revival.

Keep me from evil! Keep me away from temptation! I plead for Your safekeeping.

Keep me from making the mistakes I’m more prone to when temptation comes. I confess that what I think is necessary, smart or personally beneficial is so often only the beautiful wrapping of sin. Keep me far away from evil. Keep me safe from the pain and grief that sin brings. For the dangers I can’t see are the ones that I think I can risk because of my experience. Forgive me of my pride and carelessness! Humble me and make me aware of my sin and help me to promptly confess it. Put up a supernatural barrier! Protect me, Father, by Your power! Keep me safe from temptations that pull at my emotions and my physical needs that call out to my sense of what I deserve, what I have “the right” to feel and enjoy. YOU are the true source of all that is really life, directing my steps away from all that is not of You. I am living FREE from the bondage of evil!

I earnestly want what You want! Daily – arrange an appointment for ministry. Do not let sin break the flow of Your power – help me to remember this!

I Chronicles 4:10 – The Prayer of Jabez

He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!”

Thoughts on "Standing Firm"

Over the past week I have had to come face to face with the ugliness of one of my major character flaws: inconsistency. This is not the first time I have had to look this creature square in the face.
I have come to the conclusion that there are 7 "No Matter Whats" that I need to do every day ... no matter what. I will not list them here - for mine would be different from yours. I just know that when I do these 7 things CONSISTENTLY on a daily basis that my life is full of purpose and lasting joy - in spite of my circumstances.
On May 1 I read an article from the monthly magazine that I receive from In Touch Ministries that made a big impact on me. In fact, I have gone back and re-read this article several times in the past week.
You can read the full article by clicking on this link:

Standing Firm When Life Takes You By Surprise
(Click on the Magazine tab at the top of the webpage)

Here is the part that hit me square in the face:

"Worry, doubt and fear lead to one thing - sin."

Whoa! That's not what I was expecting the author to say. I had to re-read that sentence again!

"Worry, doubt and fear lead to one thing - sin."

Dr. Stanley goes on to say, "Each one of these has the powerful potential to prevent us from obeying God. They have the capacity to keep us wrapped up in our thoughts, feelings and inabilities. The Lord has admonished us to do two things - to trust Him and walk by faith.

I had to honestly ask myself, "What is the first thing that I do when I feel overwhelmed or threatened?"

Do I ...

• Call a friend
• Write about it on Facebook (some of you know what I mean!)
• Hide - i.e. sleep, play a game online, read a book, etc. etc.
• Cry and cry some more
• Rant and rave to anyone that will listen

The list could go on and on ... OR do I immediately turn to PRAYER?

Stop, drop and PRAY Then Walk by FAITH

The author encourages us to follow David's example in I Samuel 30:

• He did not allow fear to overwhelm him
• He ignored threats from those around him
• He quickly turned to the Lord in prayer
• He acted on his faith and did what God told him to do

This article is well worth the time it takes to read ... and read again. I hope you will find hope and encouragement. I know that I did.

Suzanne - Before and During (2004-2009)

Putting those pics together was truly God inspired because it greatly encouraged me ... sometimes it is so hard to see that He is really changing us! I see a light in my eyes that wasn't there 5 years ago - I just pray that others begin to see it.
This is how I have changed over the past 5 years.
Or at least I think I have. I now weigh 48 pounds less than I did in 2004. I have lost 30 of those pounds this year. I have been using the Trim Body System (off and on) since January of 2008. Mainly using the meal replacement bars, shakes, energy drinks, Slimmetry and Carb Blocker 2 supplements from my business.


JULY 2004


JANUARY 2007


JULY 2007


NOVEMBER 2008


APRIL 25, 2009

I give God the Glory for all the changes that He has made in me over the past 5 years. He has used many things and many people (I can't begin to list names because I will leave someone out).
He has used to following to inspire me and change me:
Celebrate Recovery
God's Word and inspirational music
The Road Adventure
My GlobalNet Upline Mentors and Leaders
Jeff Olson's "The Slight Edge"

Most of all ... I just never give up. I fall - I get up. (Repeat, repeat, repeat to infinity!)

The Gift of Family

Family.

What is family?

Webster defines family as (1) parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not; (4) any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

Then there is "family origin": the family you grew up in.

I have been thinking a lot this week about family. Over the past several months, I have had people tell me that I need to write down "my story" - meaning my story of being adopted at birth, growing up in a wonderful home with loving parents, the reason why I searched for and found my biological family and my re-connection with them after 36 years. Some have joked that I will end up on Oprah one day - which would be OK - just not Jerry Springer, please!

So here goes ...

I was born June 20, 1961. I was adopted at birth by William Carter, Jr. and Bobbye Rae (McGuire) Carter. They were the most wonderful parents a girl could ask for - I also felt loved unconditionally - safe and secure. We were a very typical American family. My mom stayed at home with me - I have many happy memories of camping out with her under tents made from a card table and sheets, being read to from the ChildCraft encyclopedias and other children's books, playing in our big back yard, playing in the rain or in the cow pasture across the street, waiting for the ice cream truck and just enjoying a very special childhood.
As a little girl, my dad was in the Texas Air National Guard and sold used cars part-time. My dad was "Sargent Carter" (those of you will remember Gomer Pyle - you'll get the reference). I was so proud of him in his uniform. That was "my dad". I was daddy's little girl.
There was never a time where my parents sat down and "told me" that I was adopted. I just always knew and felt special, chosen and loved. The first time I ever remembering wondering about my "biological" family - I was somewhere in my teens and saw a movie on TV about an adoptee searching for her biological family. I must have asked my mom some questions at the time - I don't really remember what she said, but she had the wisdom to contact the lawyer that handled the adoption and was able to find out my biological mom's name at the time of my birth and where she worked. She hung onto that information for many years.
In June of 1983, I was pregnant with my first son, Joshua. On my birthday, I had very strong feelings and emotions about how my biological mom must have felt giving up her baby. I talked to my mom about it and it was at that time that she told me my birth mother's name and where she had worked back in 1961.
Barbara Thompson - Southland Corporation in Dallas, Texas and she had lived in Oak Cliff.
I cannot describe what an unusual feeling it was to just know her name.
Fast forward 5 years - it was 1988 and I was very involved in the pro-life movement. I have always been a strong advocate for adoption and a baby's right to be born. My husband, Mike and I now had to children and were very active in a small mission church in Mesquite.
Several things happened as a catalyst to my beginning my search for my birth family.
First of all, I had several friends that were adopted as children and had spent years trying to find their biological families. I had no desire to go through that kind of a long and drawn out search process. Of course, the internet was not commonplace back then as it is now.
Several couples that we knew were trying to adopt children - with little success. I knew of girls that they had tried to counsel into giving up their babies for adoption - and chose abortion instead. This broke my heart.
I think the final catalyst was a friend of mine from church who was married and had two children of her own, shared her story of how she gave up a baby girl at age 16. She always wondered if she had done the right thing - what she looked like - was she happy, etc. etc.?
My doctors had also advised that it would be a wise idea to find out as much about my family medical history.
I felt a STRONG urging from God to begin my search. I had only a name, a workplace and the part of town she had lived in back in 1961. My father and mother were both very supportive. I basically told God, "OK, God ... if you want me to find her, make it quick!"
I knew it was time.
In early March of 1988 my father and I went down to the Dallas County Courthouse in downtown Dallas and did a couple of hours research We went back the following Monday - again, we only did a couple of hours of researching.
Much to our amazement, on March 7, 1988, we walked away from that records building with a LOT of information.
In fact, I am sitting here looking at that information right now.
My birth mother's current name was "Barbara Rudd". She was married to Merkel Wayne Rudd.
Unusual names.
I knew that I had a sister named Debra that was 5 years old them me and that I had a brother, Charles, who was just 15 months older than me.
I had always wanted a brother and/or sister. I was thrilled.
My dad and I went back to my house where my mom was babysitting my boys. By chance, I decided to open the Mesquite phone book to see if there was a "Merkel Wayne Rudd" listed.
I fully expected for find no such name there.
Imagine my amazement when there it was - my mother and her husband were living in MESQUITE. I was in shock.
My dear sweet (and sometime spunky!) mom picked up the phone and called her right then and there. I remember listening to her side of the conversation ....
She introduced herself and explained at great length why she was calling. In a nutshell: "My husband and I adopted a daughter that was born on June 20, 1961. She has been searching for her biological family. She grew up as an only child and wants nothing more than to thank her birth mother for giving her up for adoption, to learn her family medical history and to possible meet her brother and sister." Barbara listened the entire time - it seemed like forever - and then my mom asked, "Are you the Barbara Thompson Rudd that she is looking for?"
Barbara paused and said, "I don't think so" and hung up. Those words are engraved into my mind to this day.
After a few days, I realized that I needed to get away and think about all that had happened. I was overwhelmed, in shock, hurt and a host of other feelings that I couldn't identify or understand.
My mom kept the boys while I went down to Lake Tawakoni to their lake house. I spent two or three days by myself praying and writing. I write Barbara a long hand-written letter ... 6 or 7 pages (front and back). I told her my story. I gave her pictures of my children and told her all about our family. I did my best to explain that I loved my parents. I thanked her for giving me the gift of life. And not only the gift of life, but a blessed childhood and family. I assured her that I wanted nothing but a relationship and my medical history. I sent the letter.
And never heard a word.
I believe that it was in July of that same year that I was at home during the day with my boys and flipping through daytime television. I stopped on The Giraldo Show - there was a young lady on there talking about the pro-life movement, so it caught my interest. I watched it for a few minutes and realized that the show, in fact, was about adoption. The woman was their with her mother and her birth mother. She had found her birth mother - and now they all knew each other, they were one big happy family. It was a beautiful "fairytale-like" story.
On impulse, I picked up the phone and called Barbara's phone # and she answered!
I could hear the same TV program in the background - it freaked me out and I hung up without saying a word.
A week or so later, I called my best friend, Rita and asked her to call Barbara for me. She called her, explained who she was and told her about me and what I wanted. She reassured her that I wasn't some kook who wanted money or to destroy her life - that I just wanted to know if she received my letter and if she was my biological mom. She said that she was my birth mother but that her family didn't know about me and that she was afraid of what would happen if they found out. But that if I wanted to meet her secretly, I could arrange a time to come by during the day.
It took me a couple of weeks to get up the nerve to call her. I remember that moment vividly. I was home alone and stepping out of the shower. I put on a towel, went into the middle bedroom, shut the door, sat in the floor and picked up the receiver of the Princess phone. I called her.
The conversation lasted less than 10 minutes. I could tell that she was living in fear that her family would find out about me. She told me that my brother and sister-in-law were expecting twins. She said that she was disabled, her second husband had died several years earlier and that she relied on her children to help take care of her. She reluctantly agreed to meet me, but I declined, telling her that I understood her position and that if she ever changed her mind, wanted to tell her family about me and meet me that she would always know how to reach me.
And I left it at that.
Over the next few years, I sent her a few cards with updated pictures of my children and our family.
Periodically, I would get on the internet and do some research regarding my brother, Charles and my sister, Debra. I knew where they lived, but never contacted them. I wanted to contact them so very many times. I had wonderful parents - but I had always wanted siblings. I desperately wanted to meet them - but continued to respect Barbara's wishes - praying that some day she would change her mind and really want to meet me.
It's only been recently that I realized just how much that rejection affected me. You see, I didn't really feel rejected by being adopted. I was thankful and blessed. After all, I had been just a baby. She didn't really "know me."
But being rejected as an adult was an entirely different story.
It was during that time of my life that I began to struggle with severe bouts of depression. I grew increasingly miserable on the inside - always searching for love and acceptance. Always striving to be the best mom, wife and godly woman that I could be, Always wanting to be "better" - to do better - to DO more.
Fast forward again - this time to 1997. My marriage of 19 1/2 years was falling apart - and so was I. In August of that year, Mike and I separated. On Saturday, September 20, 1997 my life forever changed.
I was having lunch with a friend and Mike stopped by the restaurant on his way home from work and told me that I needed to go home. My dad had called my biological sister, Debra, and told her about me.
I was in shock. I was angry. "This wasn't HIS decision to make!" He knew how I felt about respecting Barbara's privacy and wishes - but he also knew how bad I was hurting on the inside. How I was missing "something."
It just so happened, that the whole family was over at Debra's celebrating my brother, Charles, 38th birthday when my dad called.
Needless to say, an ugly confrontation took place and after a couple of hours, Barbara finally admitted that I was her daughter.
I was devastated but hopeful that all would turn out for the best.
I called and spoke to Barbara and Debra on the phone - explained that I had no idea that my dad was going to call the and apologized. I told them that I wanted a relationship with them - but that I had gone my whole life without it and left the rest to them.
I didn't hear anything back from them.
Rejection, again.
It was in October of 1997 that I began working as a teller in the drive-thru at what was then Gateway National Bank in Balch Springs. I knew that my brother and his family lived in Balch Springs. The first busy Saturday that I worked, I opened the carrier - and there was my brother's drivers license and a check. My brother was out there in the drive-thru and he had no idea that I was handling his transactions. This happened two Saturdays in a row - quite by accident. I sent out a note with his cash and driver's license. I felt like he needed to know that I was working there - confidentiality reasons.
The next day his wife, Sandra, called me. She said that my brother and his family wanted to meet me!
WOW!
I was so excited. By friend, Gordon, went with me and I met my brother, my sister-in-law, my two twin nephews and my niece for the first time that next Sunday. They totally accepted me into their family. Charles sent me flowers at work the next day - saying something like "Welcome to the family sis." I will always remember talking to him on the phone during that week and him telling me, "Don't call yourself my half-sister. You are my sister." Those words meant and will always mean the world to me.
On Thanksgiving of that year, Barbara, Charles and his family and my family all had Thanksgiving dinner together at my house. What a blessing.
Unfortunately, things were always awkward between Barbara and I and we never really formed much of a relationship. I met my sister, Debra, once and her life-partner, Pam for lunch one Saturday in December. We had a great time. We laughed and talked like old friends. But Debra was never quite able to get over the hurt and pain of the "secret" that was me. I haven't talked to her since.
In 1999, I moved to Tucson and in February of 2000, Barbara passed away due to complications from heart surgery. I was devastated because I could not come back and attend her funeral and be with my new-found family. Just 14 days earlier, my step-son had been found dead in our back yard from a cocaine overdose, I had just started a new job and had already missed the first 7 days of work - so I wasn't able to come back home to Texas.
I will always regret not being able to be here for Charles, Debra and the rest of the family during that terrible time.
Charles, Sandra, Sarah, David and Daniel and I remain close to this day. I love them dearly and wish that we were able to spend more time together. They are the family that I always wanted and never had. When my dad passed away in 2007, they were there with me at the funeral home and the graveside ceremony.
Barbara gave me life. But what a blessed gift my dad had given me! Not only the gift of adoption, but the gift of family.

Spiritual Potpourri

The Fragrance of Christ

(Thank you Kim Billings for posting this on Facebook this AM)

"Dear Jesus help me to spread Your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with Your Spirit & Life. Penetrate & possess my whole being so utterly that my life may only be a radiance of Yours. " - John Henry Newman (1801-1890)

Colossians 1:9-14 (New Living Translation)

“9 So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10 Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.

11 We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, 12 always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. 13 For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, 14 who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.”

My Colossians 1:9-14 Prayer

“I pray without ceasing asking You to give me complete knowledge of Your will and to give me spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way I live will always honor and please You, and my life will produce every kind of good fruit. Allow me to grow as I learn to know You better and better. I pray that I will be strengthened with all Your glorious power so I will have all the endurance and patience that I need. Fill me with Your joy – always thanking You and remembering where my true joy comes from. You have enabled me to share in the inheritance that belongs to Your people, who live in the Light. You have rescued me from the kingdom of darkness and transferred me into the Kingdom of Your dear son, who purchased my freedom and forgave my sins.”

Loving this song!

My hear screams I AM FREE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjaC6AfuFLY