Forgiven, Fearless and Free

Wholeness can be defined as an undivided or unbroken completeness or totality with nothing wanting.
For the first time in my life, I feel “whole”.
How did this happen? I remember vividly when I began my search for wholeness. It was in the summer of 1992. It was at that time that I began to question the foundations of my “religion”. Please understand, I am not saying that I questioned my faith or my God … I just began to question how my faith was being lived out in the real world.
I encountered true worship for the first time that summer. I began to hear about others who were experiencing God in a new, more intimate way. It was something I wanted – something I longed for – to experience God in a more personal and vital relationship. And so began my journey to wholeness …
As I became increasingly dissatisfied with my “religious routine” I also became disillusioned with the way that the church was dealing with hurting broken people. It seemed like church, as I knew it, was more like a social club than a hospital for sick people. I felt alone and isolated because of my “questioning”.
At the same time, I grew more and more miserable on the inside. Something was missing. Something had always been missing. I see now that I had been defining my worth by what I did.

When I was a child, I thought I’d be happy as long as I had a best friend. I wasn’t.
As I grew older, I thought I’d be happy as long as I had a best friend and a boyfriend. I wasn’t.
In high school, I just knew that I would be happy once I got my driver’s license and a job. I wasn’t.
At age 14, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. I was assured of my salvation and going to heaven. But to me, my relationship with God was based upon what I did (or didn’t do). There was still something missing.
At some time during my junior year in high school, I thought that if I could just graduate high school and get married … THEN I would be happy. I still wasn’t.
I graduated in November of my senior year and got married in December of that same year. As you have heard me say, I wasn’t pregnant … just stupid. I was happy … for a while. But that happiness didn’t last.
Shortly after we married, I lost 60 pounds – I was SURE that would make me happy! But it didn’t.
I got involved in ministry at the church. Still not happy.
Then … I thought if I could just have a baby – I would be happy. And happy I was! The birth of my children were two of the most happy events of my life. But that happiness didn’t last either.
I continued a vicious cycle of trying to earn approval from both people and God through what I did or did not do. My life was a constant striving to be better … to change … to finally be content with my life. But I wasn’t!
In 1997, after a period of illness and a serious bout with depression, I became convinced that the problem was ME. I thought I would finally be happy if I divorced my husband of almost 19 years. So I did … and I wasn’t.
At some point during the time I was going through my divorce, it is if I divided into two pieced. Just lovely – here I was, not a “whole” person to begin with … separating in to two different pieces. Now – I don’t mean that I had a split personality. What I mean is that it is like I was two different people – the person I was the first 36 years of my life (pre-divorce) and the person I became after my divorce. Neither person was whole.
Over the past 11 years, I have continued my quest for happiness .. for wholeness.
My quest included a second, brief marriage that ended in divorce; multiple relationships with men that I just knew were “the one” (including sexually relationships) … an endless search for love and acceptance.
Still not happy … still not whole.
I was bound by fear, guilt, and shame.
In 2004 I found myself at an all time low and found myself attending something called “Celebrate Recovery.” This was definitely a step in the right direction. Over the last 4 years I have been working through the 12 steps of Christian recovery to help me gain victory over depression, co-dependency, love & relationship addiction, food addiction, grief and guilt. I found out that one of my core problems is not that I needed a man to love me – but I needed to love myself!
It’s funny … a dear friend had told me that about 10 years earlier. But I didn’t think it was true!
And so … I discovered a lot about myself, formed some incredible close friendships with women in CR and found victory in the area of sexual purity.
But guess what? I was still miserable inside. I still continued to seek out love in all the wrong places.
Over the past 3 weeks I have been going through a program called “The Road Adventure”. This past Saturday, while attending Part 2, I experienced something that was life-changing. I finally became whole again. It was truly a miraculous moment that I cannot begin to explain here. All I can say is that, somehow, through God’s mercy and grace, the “old” Suzanne and the present Suzanne merged into one complete whole woman. I know who I am. I am learning to love myself. I look at myself in a whole different light when I look in the mirror. I ask God daily to help me see myself through His eyes.
I realize that all these years, I wasn’t seeking happiness after all. I was seeking WHOLENESS.
I am finally at peace with God and with myself. My past is in the past and it’s there to stay.
I am forgiven, fearless and free.

I trust that the people I want and need will come into my life.

I picked up a book that’s been sitting on my shelf for years the other day. I needed something to read while I was trying to fall asleep at night. I picked up “The Language of Letting Go”, a devotional book written by Melody Beattie – the author of “Co-Dependent No More & Beyond Codependency.”

The devotional for that day hit me square between the eyes and right in the heart!

Since then, I have been reading this devotional every morning and every night before I go to bed.

Last night, I prayed the prayer at the end for the 3^rd night in a row – but this time I read it out loud. By the time I got to the end I was crying. There is something about reading it out loud that is powerful!

I have decided to read this portion of the text out loud every day at least once – I say it in “1^st person”:

The more I overcome my need to be an excessive caretakers the less I will find myself attracted to people who will love and respect me and who I can safely love and respect.

Initiating Relationships

April 29

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted.

As we progress through recovery, we learn we can no longer for relationships solely on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take into account important facts, and to process information about that person.

What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.

The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find ourselves needing to work through them with the people we’re attracted to. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships.

The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.

This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn – no matter how long we’ve been recovering.

No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship, the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery.

We can learn to take care of ourselves during the process of initiating and forming relationships. We can learn to go slowly. We can learn to pay attention. We can allow ourselves to make mistakes, even when we know better.

We can stop blaming our relationships on God, and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationship, and remove ourselves more quickly from the dysfunctional ones.

We can learn to look for what’s good for us, instead of what’s good for the other person.

God, help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it – even though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. I am open to the lessons I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

SPIRITUAL POTPOURRI

In English, the word “potpourri” often used to refer to any collection of miscellaneous or diverse items.

* COLASSIANS 3:10-11
“Put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know you Creator & become like Him … CHRIST is all that matters …”

* God has a way of bringing special people into our lives at just the right time. Last night, I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the church before Celebrate Recovery. I was writing in my journal:

“Fearful of CR tonight … a million reasons not to go …”

And my friend Deb walked up to my car with a little bud vase of the most beautiful pink tea roses and handed them to me. She said that God told her to give them to someone who needed them and that she thought “Suzanne needs these.” I find it hard to find the words to describe how this seemingly little gesture of friendship and kindness made me feel. I am in awe of the ways that God shows us His love and how He blesses us with such wonderful friends!

Lesson learned: never underestimate the power of encouragement. When God prompts you to say or do something that seems small or insignificant – remember that it might be exactly what the other person NEEDS at just the right time!

* PSALM 25

1 O Lord, I give my life to you.
2 I trust in you, my God!
4 Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.
5 Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.
6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love, which you have shown from long ages past.
7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.
16 Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress.
17 My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all!
18 Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins.
19 See how many enemies I have and how viciously they hate me!
20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them! Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
21 May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you.

Reflections on a Familiar Psalm

It amazes me how easy it is for me to slip back into old “unhealthy” patterns … how easily it is to forget that I MUST renew my mind every day … some days I need to renew my mind minute by minute!

On the train this morning, I was reading my Bible. Since today is the 23^rd I read the 23^rd Psalm. Most all of us are very familiar with this Psalm. Two weeks ago, it was read at a dear friend’s father’s funeral. I guess it’s easy for us to become complacent when reading something familiar such as this. But God granted me the privilege of seeing these verses in a new light.

The past few months have been very difficult for me. I will write more about that later … but for now let’s just say that the busy-ness of life has kept me ragged and stressed out. (Or should I say that I have kept myself that way!?!)

There is a song that has become very dear to me … God has brought this song back into my life on several occasions when I have “strayed” from his shepherding … wandering off on my own. That song is “Draw Me Close To You.” (Words below) I have been singing that song to myself on a regular basis now for about two weeks. I am experiencing a horrible sense of loneliness especially in the evenings after work. This song helps me renew my mind and spirit – helps me to focus on allowing God to fill the emptiness and loneliness with my heart, mind and soul. It’s not an “instant” fix … the pain and hurt are still there … but I know that in time, it will begin to ease as I allow His Spirit to comfort and lead me.

So when I read verse 1 this morning I immediately thought of that song. “I have all that I need.”

Do I really believe that? Does my life show that I believe that? In honesty, I am ashamed to say that “No, my life lately does not reflect that belief.” As I renew my mind with His Word and with the words of this song … I will actually begin to BELIEVE that He is truly all I need.

Somehow – even after all I have been through – all I have learned – I still feel like I need to a man in my life – a significant other –to fill that need.

Another recurring thing that has been on my mind and heart is the need for “rest” in our lives. Not just sleep … but resting in him. For me it helps to define the opposite of rest: anxious thoughts, a knot in my stomach, worry, fretting, trying to “fix” things or people …

So when I read “He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams,” I realize that when I take the lead … just the opposite of REST happens.

DRAW ME CLOSE TO YOU

By Michael W. Smith

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near

www.youtube.com/watch?v=stCLeAt0qnA

PSALM 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.

Getting Out of that Pit!

Many of you know that Beth Moore is one of my favorite authors and Bible teachers. A few weeks ago I bought her book "Get Out Of That Pit".

This past Saturday, a very dear friend confronted me on my "isolation and withdrawal" stuff and pointed out to me the effect it was having on others. As hard as it was to hear - and I am sure even harder to speak ... God used her honesty to "wake me up".

Sunday night I picked up "Get Out of That Pit" and started reading. It was as if Beth Moore had been hiding in my closet - observing my every move & reading my every thought.

I want to share with you this new journey that I have begun by sharing with you some of the things that I highlighted while reading. I don't think that any commentary on my part is needed ... the words speak for themselves. These excerpts from the book exactly describe where I have been!!!
2008 is going to be my year to Get Out of That Pit and to learn how to avoid ending up in there again!

Introduction

Pg. 2 - "We can blow it so badly we think God would just as soon we stayed under the dirt and out of the His sight. But, if we're willing to let the truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more that okay. We can be delivered to a place where the air is crisp, the enemy is whipped, and the view is magnificent."

Pg. 3 - "I am convinced that when the last chapter of each life story is recorded in the annals of heaven, people would rather have lived out their fullness of days with purpose more than painlessness."

Chapter 1 - Life in the Pit

Pg. 7 - "You don't have to stay there. Even if you've been there your whole life, you can call it a day. Even if you deserve the pit you live in, you're still not stuck there. Some things weren't meant to be accepted. A pit if one of them. Quit trying to make the best of it. It's time to get out."

Pg. 8 - "...[the pit] is a shadowy home of the heart, mind and soul so close and personal that, like mud on the set of tires, we drag it along wherever our physical circumstances move us."

Pg. 13 - "Too often we don't recognize a pit when we're in one."

"... you can know you're in a pit when ..."

1) You feel stuck (pg. 14) - see Psalm 40
2) You can't stand up (pg. 16) - see Psalm 69:2 & Eph. 6:11-13
3) You've lost vision (pg. 17) - see Eph. 1:18

You feel stuck ...
Pg. 14 - "Psalm 40 adds to the characteristics of a pit like "slimy," "muddy", "miry". Together these words tells us one critical thing about a pit: you can't get yourself out.

You can't stand up ...
Pg. 16 - "If you and I are going to be victorious people, we've got to stand with our own two feet on solid ground. One way you can know you're in a pit is that you feel ineffective and utterly powerless against attack. You can't stand up to assaults, trials or temptations because your feet are in the mud and mire."
Pg. 17 - "I bed you to see that your enemy has a tremendous investment not only in digging and camouflaging a pit in your pathway but also, should you tumble down, in convincing you to stay there after you fall.
"...we'll define a "pit" this way: a pit is an early grave that Satan digs for you in hopes he can bury you alive." Should you fall into it, make no mistake; he cannot make you stay. Ironically, neither will God make you leave. Like it or not, some things are simply up to us.:

You've lost vision ...
Pg. 17 - "A pit is so poorly lit we can no longer see things that may have once been obvious to us."

Pg. 18 - "We feel too buried in our present state to feel passionate about a promised future."
"All image-bearers of God were intended to overflow with effervescent life, stirring and spilling with God-given vision. That's partly what the apostle Paul was talking about when he prayed that the eyes of our hearts would be enlightened in order that we might know the hope to which Christ has called us (see Ephesians 1:18)."
Pg. 19 - "We've forgotten what we used to see or shrugged off those early divine encounters as something we must have made up when we were less mature."
Pg. 20 - "Getting out begins with waking up. And (this may be the hardest part) with being willing to feel again.
"Not only are wonder, hope, and vision natural when our feet are set upon a rock, but so is our vantage point from which we can see the enemy's activity around us." (see Psalm 40:2 and Psalm 27:6)

I share this with you first of all to confess that I have been in the pit without even realizing it!!!
Or maybe I did realize it - but didn't want to acknowledge it. Being in the pit gave me the feeling of being "safe" - gave me the false security in "not feeling the pain". I have been awakened and now my heartfelt prayer every day will be that God would enlighten the eyes of my heart so that I might see & know the hope to which Christ has called me ... even when I don't FEEL it.