Victory Day!!

Last night was one of the most awesome nights at CR (Celebrate Recovery) that I have ever experienced. It was our first "Chip Night" in Large Group at our church. It was amazing. You could feel the Spirit of God moving in the lives of so many - we ran out of Surrender chips!

I rec'd a blue Surrender chip for my Food Addiction and claim VICTORY over this area of my life. (Before the CR meal, my friend and I prayed together to turn this area of our lives over together. God brought both of us to a place of surrender in the same week!)

I rec'd 60 day chip for Sexual Purity. Today is day 86 of Sexual Purity - by the Grace of God.

I also rec'd my 2 year chip - it has been two years since I rec'd my first Surrender Chip at Willow Bend. That night I stepped out of denial, admitted that I had no control over my life and committed to working the 12 Steps.

Yesterday was a milestone for me. A place of 'drawing a line in the sand' and saying, "No more!" I have crossed over - I will not go back to the place of my addiction! I claim Victory and will help others to claim this same victory.

I would like to share with you my journal entry from last night - about an hour before CR.

08/30/07 Victory Day over my Food Addiction!

August of 2006 - admitted food addiction at CR Summit. Rec'd Surrender Chip acknowledging that I have a food addiction - not just "issues with food."

06/22/07 Promised myself to lose just 5 lbs. a month and started "kind of" following the Trim Advantage program. (As of today, I have lost 13 pounds).

08/27/07 *Wrote in my journal: "Please put an end to my food addiction" after reading Psalm 54. I am not even really sure WHY I wrote this! I re-read Psalm 54 and there is nothing there that would speak to my addiction. After reading John 4 - I wrote: "Jesus said, My nourishment comes from doing the will of God & from finishing His Work."

08/28/07 Gave testimony at Grace Community. Afterwards - a friend who was there said something about how I did not talk about any areas of victory in regards for my food addiction. It really got me to thinking. The next morning, I saw what I had written in my journal the day before * and was amazed that I didn't remember writing it or why! I believe it was clearly the Spirit of God calling me to really deal with my addiction.

So today begins a brand new day! As I read Psalm 60 this morning, I was touched by these words in verses 16-17 (based upon the NLT):

"I sing about Your Power! I shout with joy each morning because of Your Unfailing Love for me! YOU are my refuge, Lord - not food or anything else that I would seek to find comfort or safety in. You are My Strength. I sing praises to You! Thank You for showing me Your Unfailing Love!

And then …

On the opposite page, I notice a Step 3 Devotion titled: "Giving Up Control". (Isn't God AMAZING!?)

After reading this devotion, I wrote: I TAKE STEPS TO CHANGE MY FOCUS AND TURN MY FOOD ADDICTION OVER TO GOD INSTEAD OF REVERTING TO THE HIDING PLACES OF THE PAST."

Yes, I realized that I have been running to food as my refuge instead of running to God.

At the CR Summit last year, there was a handout called "The Solution to My Food Addiction". I wrote affirmations claiming my Victory over food addiction based upon this handout. I read these out loud daily. I am keeping a copy with me at all times. When I am tempted to seek comfort or happiness in food instead of eating healthy food only when I am physically hungry, I will read them out loud and put my focus on God. This is a tool that I have been using in other areas of my life with great success - so I figure it's time to apply it here!

The Solution to My Food Addiction

I am no longer in denial and I accept the truth about my life and my food addiction.

I realize that I cannot control my addiction to food and I am powerless – but I can control my choices.

I accept responsibility for my actions and make Jesus Lord over every area of life, including the food that I eat.

I am dedicated to learning about healthy eating.

I recognize the difference between physical and emotional hunger.

I turn to God when I want to eat but I am not physically hungry.

I view food as fuel for my body.

I only eat when I am physically hungry and I stop when I am physically full.

I am dedicated to the lifelong process of recovery and I am working through the 12 steps to heal myself.

I am living the life that God has planned for me.

My CR groups provide a safe place to share my fears, hurt and anger and also a place to rejoice and share victories.

I face my character defects and work through these feelings in my group(s).

Each day I take the focus off of food and focus on God.

I recognize that recovery from food addiction is not about my body image or what foods I eat, but it is about trusting God and having an intimate relationship with Him.

I seek a closer relationship with God each day.

Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are what I need to overcome my fears and meet my needs.

As I surrender my food addiction to God, I come to REALLY know that HE IS ALL I NEED.

I seek God daily by having a quiet time each morning at 5 a.m.

I rely on the Holy Spirit as my source of comfort.

I am transformed by the daily renewing of mind through His Word and Christian music.

I use the tools of recovery when tempted to give in to my food addiction: calling my accountability partner, repeating these affirmations out loud, journaling, attending CR, working the 12 steps, prayer, reading and memorizing God’s Word.

I understand that my worth and value are defined by who I am in Christ and not by being overweight.

For those of you who struggle with this same addiction, I invite you to join me on this journey of victory in Christ Jesus. Let's find strength and encouragement from one another in the presence of our Holy God, who has set us free!

For those of you whose struggles do not include food addiction, I plead with you to pray for us. We so desire for God to be glorified in this area of our lives!

As a youth, one of my favorite Christian songs was "Fill My Cup, Lord." Last night, I re-wrote the words to the chorus and decided that I would sing this in my head whenever I am tempted and tried by my food addiction:

Fill my cup, Lord. I lift if up, Lord. Come satisfy the hunger of my soul.

Bread of Heaven, feed me 'til I want no more

Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

http://members.warpnet.net/karin/images/zfillcup.html

Ephesians 3:19-21 Prayer

"May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory to God! By His Mighty Power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever date to ask or hope. May He be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen."

Relapse and "Rebirth"

Whew! The past week has been the most awesome "whirlwind" - full of answered prayers, challenges, wonderful friends and so much more - I do not know where to start!
God has been answering the cries of my heart left and right - it reminds me of a snowball rolling down a giant hill, gaining momentum.
On Tuesday night, I did something for the very first time. I shared my testimony with another CR group at another church. I had given my testimony twice before at my home church (Chase Oaks Church in Plano - the church formerly known as Fellowship Bible Church North). But that was over 9 months ago and so much has happened in my life since then - at least two new chapters of my life have been written since then! The thing is - up until Tuesday night, I had only shared the story of my relapse and "rebirth" with a few selected people in CR at my church.
The thought of "going public" with my sin - revealing my "double life" to all was VERY scary. For weeks now, I have been asking those closest to me to pray for me regarding this part of my story that I needed to write and share. God was MORE THAN faithful in answering all of those prayers!
I believe that it is time for me to share it with the world - because I believe with all my heart that there is much healing out there in the lives of women that needs to take place in the area of sexual purity. To date, it has been a "taboo" subject in the church. My prayer is that my openness and honesty will bring forth a revival among women (and men) in this area of their lives! I know that it has in my own life!

Here is the latest chapter of my story - I share it with you because it is not my own. This is God's story - written on the pages of my life:

In October of last year, when I gave my CR testimony for the first time I wrote:
"Through CR, God also gave me tools and principles that keep me from sinking into those deep overwhelming times of depression. God has delivered me from unhealthy relationships with men and my sexual addiction. I no longer need a man or a best friend in my life to be complete and happy. I am truly made complete in Jesus Christ."
In Step 10 we are given a warning in I Corinthians 10:12 that I did not heed:

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"
Less than a month later, I met in person for the first time in almost 10 years the man that I had had the online affair with back in 1997. I felt confident that nothing would happen because we were "just friends" and there was no way that he would be attracted to someone like me - after all I am 9 years older and fat. And after all, I was in recovery. I thought I was safe and in no danger of relapsing back into those old patterns of sexual and relationship addiction. How wrong I was! The relationship only lasted about a month - but those feelings of wanting to feel "loved" and wanted by a man emerged with a vengeance. In February of this year, I began a sexual relationship with a man that was and still is a good friend of mine. Now keep in mind, that during all of this I am actively involved in CR and was even leading a Step Study! I was living a double life.
In April, my close friend and accountability partner talked me into going to our church ladies retreat. I had not been to anything like that in over 10 years and was very apprehensive about going. During that retreat, she and I were sitting outside talking about "stuff" like girls do and out of the blue she asked me, "So how's the sexual purity in your relationship with "my friend". I about fell off my chair! I immediately began to pour my heart and soul out to her about my "other life". The thing was - I was still enjoying that sin and did not want to give it up. I was able to be honest with her about that - which was something new for me. During my time alone with God the next morning - I was honest with Him about what He already knew. I wrote in my journal: "Meet me here, God, where I am - full of flaws and known sin that I enjoy and don't want to let go of - I don't want to hold back, but I am" I must stop rationalizing my sin and ADMIT the truth. Thank You God for bringing me this far - for convicting me patiently and allowing me time to work through this … to truly rip this sin out of my life from its roots."
There is not another entry in my journal for two months. I walked away from that retreat and back into the same double life. I was becoming increasing miserable - stressed from a new job, plagued by sickness and gradually returning to the isolation and depression that I thought I had left far behind.
I would often go to sleep crying - the only prayer I could pray was, "God help me!" About 7 weeks after my "retreat confession", my friend and I mutally decided to put an end to the sexual part of our relationship for good. By the middle of June, I was reaching a breaking point. I had "hinted" of my hidden sin during times of sharing at CR but had never admitted the depth of my sin to anyone but my accountability partner. It was eating me alive.
On June 22, I "drew a line" in the sand and said "I've had enough!" I began to make some deliberate changes in my life because I was sick of what I had become. In my journal (the 1st entry in 2 months) I wrote: "True freedom is found as I turn my life over to God depending not in my own willpower or strength but on His powerful and firm intervention." God intervened in my life in a powerful way … The next day, I was meeting with the ladies I was leading in our Step Study for a 4th Step workshop. God began a real work of deliverance in my heart through that workshop that continued throughout the entire weekend. I look back on that weekend and I honestly believe I was reborn for a third time - at least that's what it felt like! I confessed my sin openly and honestly to my close Christian friend, Denver, that night. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders!

The next day I wrote in my journal:
Isaiah's first words when he saw the Lord were "My destruction is sealed! He recognized the depth and futileness of his sin! God touched my mouth with hot coals - my confession to and talk with Denver was painful .. but it was a divine appointment. The beginning of my cleansing. Both bitter and joyful tears"
The following Monday I confessed my sin openly and honestly to my Step Study Group - then to the ladies Small Group on Thursday night. Those were two of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. A month later, I confessed my sin to the CR leadership team at my church. I was so afraid of being met with condemnation or judgment. I had a great fear of being "kicked out of leadership" - but our leadership team gathered around me, laid hands on me and prayed prayers over me that I will never forget.
I want to give God praise for His current victory over sexual addiction in my life

- today (August 28) I celebrate 83 days of sexual purity.
I look upon my life just two months later and I see the most dramatic changes of my entire life. You see - God still had some lessons for me to REALLY learn. I walked through the depths of sin this year - I got caught in the old traps I thought I had learned to avoid. But now I have purpose and hope - stronger than ever before. God has opened up doors of blessing and ministry since then that I never dreamed possible.

When people ask my how I am these days, I say, "I have never been better!" And I truly mean it!

Thank you for letting me share with you.

On 8/18/07 I wrote in my Bible: "Feel God leading me to read the book of John. I want to get to know Jesus better." 4 days later, I visited a new Life Group for the first time - and lo and behold, guess what book they were starting to study that night? You guessed it, John!
So ... I have been "camped out" in the book of John now for a little over a week. Many things have stirred my heart and I will share them at some point along the way with you. But for today - let me share something that jumped off the page to me from The Message:
John 4:23-24 "It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
I will let the Word of God speak for itself in whatever way He sees fit. It was just a reminder to me of how He longs for our true worship - in whatever form we feel like expressing.

My First Blog ... ever!

I love to express my thoughts, feelings and experiences through writing. I am not a professional writer - I write much I like would talk in a conversation with you. Writing helps me to clarify my beliefs - it helps me to share a part of my inner self with others.
I ask you to join me in The Journey - this Journey we call LIFE.
All of LIFE involves three things: The Dream, The Struggle, The Victory.
(Not my original words - I heard this phrase on a CD that I listen to on a regular basis by Lennon Ledbetter).
In this blog, I want to share with you my dreams ... my struggles ... and my victories.
My dream is to live a life of ministry: to my family, my friends, to others struggling along their own journey.
Recently, I re-read the book, "The Prayer of Jabez" by Bruce Wilkinson. I had read this book years ago, when I was at a "difficult" time in my life - I just wasn't "ready" for the concepts in this book. It had been sitting on the top of my bookshelf for over a year now. For some reason, about 6 weeks ago, I picked it up and decided to read it again.
WOW ~ this time the impact was powerful. As I read the book, I highlighted key phrases that "hit home with me." A few days later, I went back through the book and turned all the phrases that I highlighted in my prayer. I read this prayer outloud every day- and each day a different part of it become reality. God's power has "enlarged my territory" beyond my wildest dreams in just a few short weeks. This prayer has become the prayer of my dreams:

07/12/07
Dear God,
I need a bigger vision for my life. I pray for Your powerful will for my future – I plead with You to answer my request. I know that You long to give me so much more than I ever thought to ask for. I desire to reach for a life that will be more honorable for God … nothing but Your fullest blessing will do! I long to hear You say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
In confidence, I believe that You will bring it to pass. Let the loving currents of Your grace and power carry me along. Your great plan for me will surround me and sweep me forward into the important & satisfying life You have waiting for me!
I cry out for the wonderful unlimited goodness that only God has the power to know about or give me. I refuse to let any obstacle, person or opinion loom larger that God’s nature. And Your nature is to bless us! Your nature is to bless me! Enlarge my life so that I can make a greater impact for You. My family, my friends, my job, my business, my circle of influence and my ministry YOU have entrusted to me.
My God and King, please expand my opportunities and my impact I such a way that I touch more lives for Your glory. Let me do more for You! I want to be Your servant.
URGENTLY accomplish great things THROUGH me!
Even now, enlarge my borders – Send somebody who needs me – who needs You!
Time and time again I will attempt things large enough that failure is guaranteed … unless YOU step in!
Oh, that Your hand would be with me! Release Your power to accomplish Your will and bring YOU glory through all the seeming impossibilities. Continue the great things You have begun in my life.
I depend on the strong hand of my God. Turn my surrendered need into Your unlimited opportunity. Please do this IN me because I cannot do it alone! I will be shouting, “God did THAT – nobody else! God carried me, gave me the words and gave me the power – and it is wonderful!”
My only power and success come from You, Father God.
Lord, by Your Spirit, pull off something great for Your glory. I pray for Your Holy Spirit to move in my church, my family, my friends and in my team – bring repentance and revival.
Keep me from evil! Keep me away from temptation! I plead for Your safekeeping.
Keep me from making the mistakes I’m more prone to when temptation comes. I confess that what I think is necessary, smart or personally beneficial is so often only the beautiful wrapping of sin. Keep me far away from evil. Keep me safe from the pain and grief that sin brings. For the dangers I can’t see are the ones that I think I can risk because of my experience (pride and carelessness). Put up a supernatural barrier! Protect me, Father, by Your power! Keep me safe from temptations that pull at my emotions and my physical needs that call out to my sense of what I deserve, what I have “the right” to feel and enjoy. YOU are the true source of all that is really life, directing my steps away from all that is not of You. I want to live FREE from the bondage of evil!
I earnestly want what You want! Daily – arrange an appointment for ministry. Do not let sin break the flow of Your power – help me to remember this!

I Chronicles 4:10 – The Prayer of Jabez
He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!”