Today is Dec. 20, 2007 and I am sick of being the way I am ... AGAIN! Time for a fresh start - a new beginning. Thank God that I don't have to wait for "New Year's" to make a brand new start.Just how many times am I going to have to repeat this process!? It's funny ... I just thought of this commercial that is airing on TV right now ... It's by that guy who has invented the fancy vacuum cleaner (not Oreck) and he says something like it took over 5000 prototypes before he finally made the one that worked. (Yes, that's a sign that I have been watching too much TV - will someone please come hide my remote??) I think of a quote attributed to Thomas Edison regarding his inventing the light bulb: "I didn’t fail ten thousand times. I successfully eliminated, ten thousand times, materials and combinations which wouldn’t work."
So I guess a great deal of the Christian walk is to just keep on keeping on until we get it right!
It was almost 6 months ago to the date that I went through a similar "metamorphosis" ... I was coming out of that sexual relationship with S.G., drowning in the guilt and shame of both that relationship and the end of my romantic relationship with M.J. The date was June 22. Time for another rebirth…I am learning more and more about my ongoing struggle with isolation ... hating every minute of it while at the same time loving every minute. Jenn has been my lifeline - I have been in communication with her daily either by phone, chat or email (often all three). Each email or text message of encouragement that I have rec'd from each of you has been invaluable ... even though may now show it or respond immediately.It might not seem like it - but just staying in touch with Jenn was a huge victory for me. I have made a promise to her and to myself that I will continue to make progress in this area of my life by reaching out to others. I love each of you - but it's so hard. There is so much guilt and shame wrapped up in feeling like a spiritual failure! My pride tells me I am not setting the right example for you. But I have to come back to these facts: even in the midst of isolation, God has been working in and through me. Here are a couple of lies that the enemy attacks me with in the midst of these times of isolation and withdrawal:
*… that I have been too open and too vulnerable with people in CR
*… that I am being judged for not being at CR and for withdrawing – that people are withdrawing from me because I am “in sin” (even when I am not)
I must admit that my feelings get hurt when I don’t hear from people, especially others in CR leadership … and I now recognize this as an ugly pattern that has plagued me my entire life. I know that it’s wrapped up in feelings of rejection, pride and the need for attention.
I feel the need to justify why I have not been at CR and in isolation. Is that pride? Or is that accountability? Both? Are there amends that need to be made?
I also believe that in some strange way I have needed the downtime of the past few weeks ... needed the isolation ... to recoup from the events of the past 3 months. So I will not beat myself up ... I will simply complete an inventory of my life - recognize patterns - identify weaknesses - and press on.
Part of my isolation comes from being physically ill – part from needing “downtime” and part from depression … oh yea, and probably some just plain laziness mixed in!
I also know that there a few situations in my life that I seriously need to do a 4th and 5th step on … and I have been putting that off! I have definitely had the desire to “run away!” But it’s time to give myself a huge Christmas present and work through these situations in a healthy way and deal with them once and for all!
I read back over this … and I feel like I have rambled along with no direction. I know that these thoughts and feelings have been racing around inside of heart and mind for about a week now and that I need to share them with you as my friends and as my co-workers in CR ministry.
So this is my journey … the road I am on … thanks for listening. Please say a special prayer for me as I continue to work through this “stuff” over the next few days. I will not give up! My confidence is in Christ.
2 Corinthians 3:4-6 (New American Standard Bible)
“Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”
2 Corinthians 3:4-6 (New Living Translation)
“We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life.”
P.S. Am I the only one who struggles with this tendency to isolate and withdraw??
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Reflections on James Chapter 1
There are so many things that I need to be doing that I am not doing!! Do you ever feel like this? And I ask myself - why do I find myself back in this situation time and time again?! Am I ever going to conquer this battle of inconsistency!?
God has been bringing me back to the book of James for over a week now. This morning I read the chapter summary (beginning of James) and the recap (after the last chapter). I also read chapter 1 and wrote about it in my journal. In the midst of reading through chapter 1, God clearly spoke to me about several things ... here are some of the things I wrote in my journal:
From the Life Recovery Bible: "James challenges us to be full of wisdom, faith, forgiveness, self-control and generosity to others ... to do what God asks us to do: to OBEY Him. Wise decisions are rooted in a vital faith in God. To fully believe that whatever we ask for in faith will be granted." (Have I ever told you that I highlight every verse in my Bible that has to do with prayer or that is a prayer in green? I have been doing this for years and it helps me to identify key passages quickly. I also highlight my prayer requests and answers to prayer in green in my journal.)
Help me God to make wise decisions today in these areas:
Food choices
Exercise
Finances
New relationship with an old friend from JR High School
Job Hunt
My business
Organize/Cleaning of my house
Priorities
"God WILL supply the wisdom I need!"
Surround me with good role models! Please God, breathe life into my faith!
Trials and problems = opportunity to pray for wisdom, to ask God to give us patience and to learn to depend on Him. (From the Life Recovery Bible)
My speech is a reflection of what is in my heart - I must check my speech for clues to my inner strength and weaknesses. Inner change is reflected in my speech. (From the Life Recovery Bible)
I have also been binging this week and eating worse than I have eaten in a long time! UGH!!! This must stop! I have been eating just for the sake of eating - even when I am clearly not hungry!! Using my illness as an "excuse". Not keeping healthy alternatives at home. Last night I made brownies and ate HALF of them! I haven't turned to food like this in a LONG time!
I AM HIS CHOSEN ONE - HIS PRIZED POSSESSION ... and so are YOU!
James 1:18 (New Living Translation)
"He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession."
James 1:18 (New Century Version)
"God decided to give us life through the word of truth so we might be the most important of all the things he made."
OBEY!
James 1:22-24 (New Living Translation)
"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like."
I confessed my sins to my accountability partner and asked for accountability in the areas of staying in God's Word, doing a 4th & 5th step regarding a certain relationship and overeating/turning to food for comfort and happiness. I also plan on camping out in the book of James this week - seeking and asking for wisdom, the desire to obey Him in all things and learning to depend on Him in the midst of my trials and problems.
My Prayer for You:
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 (New Living Translation)
"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say.'
God has been bringing me back to the book of James for over a week now. This morning I read the chapter summary (beginning of James) and the recap (after the last chapter). I also read chapter 1 and wrote about it in my journal. In the midst of reading through chapter 1, God clearly spoke to me about several things ... here are some of the things I wrote in my journal:
From the Life Recovery Bible: "James challenges us to be full of wisdom, faith, forgiveness, self-control and generosity to others ... to do what God asks us to do: to OBEY Him. Wise decisions are rooted in a vital faith in God. To fully believe that whatever we ask for in faith will be granted." (Have I ever told you that I highlight every verse in my Bible that has to do with prayer or that is a prayer in green? I have been doing this for years and it helps me to identify key passages quickly. I also highlight my prayer requests and answers to prayer in green in my journal.)
Help me God to make wise decisions today in these areas:
Food choices
Exercise
Finances
New relationship with an old friend from JR High School
Job Hunt
My business
Organize/Cleaning of my house
Priorities
"God WILL supply the wisdom I need!"
Surround me with good role models! Please God, breathe life into my faith!
Trials and problems = opportunity to pray for wisdom, to ask God to give us patience and to learn to depend on Him. (From the Life Recovery Bible)
My speech is a reflection of what is in my heart - I must check my speech for clues to my inner strength and weaknesses. Inner change is reflected in my speech. (From the Life Recovery Bible)
I have also been binging this week and eating worse than I have eaten in a long time! UGH!!! This must stop! I have been eating just for the sake of eating - even when I am clearly not hungry!! Using my illness as an "excuse". Not keeping healthy alternatives at home. Last night I made brownies and ate HALF of them! I haven't turned to food like this in a LONG time!
I AM HIS CHOSEN ONE - HIS PRIZED POSSESSION ... and so are YOU!
James 1:18 (New Living Translation)
"He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession."
James 1:18 (New Century Version)
"God decided to give us life through the word of truth so we might be the most important of all the things he made."
OBEY!
James 1:22-24 (New Living Translation)
"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like."
I confessed my sins to my accountability partner and asked for accountability in the areas of staying in God's Word, doing a 4th & 5th step regarding a certain relationship and overeating/turning to food for comfort and happiness. I also plan on camping out in the book of James this week - seeking and asking for wisdom, the desire to obey Him in all things and learning to depend on Him in the midst of my trials and problems.
My Prayer for You:
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 (New Living Translation)
"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say.'
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The Christmas Storm
This is one of my favorite Christmas stories. It is told every year by Paul Harvey on the radio:
THE CHRISTMAS STORM: A Modern Parable by Paul Harvey
"This is about a modern man, one of us, he was not a scrooge, he was a kind, decent, mostly good man, generous to his family, upright in his dealings with others. But he did not believe in all that incarnation stuff that the Churches proclaim at Christmas time. It just didn’t make sense to him and he was too honest to pretend otherwise. He just could not swallow the Jesus story about God coming to earth as man. I’m truly sorry to distress you, he told his wife, but I’m not going with you to church this Christmas Eve. He said he’d feel like a hypocrite. That he would much rather stay home, but that he would wait up for them. He stayed, they went. Shortly after the family drove away in the car, snow began to fall. He went to the window to watch the flurries getting heavier and heavier, then went back to his fireside chair and began to read his newspaper. Minutes later he was startled by a thudding sound. Then another and another. At first he thought someone must be throwing snowballs against his living room window. Well, when he went to the front door, he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow. They had been caught in the storm and in a desperate search for shelter they had tried to fly through his large landscape window. Well, he couldn’t let the poor creatures lie there and freeze. He remembered the barn where his children stabled their pony. That would provide a warm shelter -- if he could direct the birds to it. He quickly put on his coat and galoshes, trampled through the deepening snow to the barn, opened the door wide, and turned on a light. But the birds did not come in. He figured food would entice them in and he hurried back to the house, fetched bread crumbs, sprinkled them on the snow making a trail to the yellow lighted wide open doorway of the stable, but to his dismay the birds ignored the bread crumbs, and continued to flap around helplessly in the snow. He tried catching them, he tried shooing them into the barn by walking around them waving his arms -- instead they scattered in every direction except into the warm lighted barn. Then he realized they were afraid of him. To them, he reasoned, I am a strange and terrifying creature, if only I could think of some way to let them know they can trust me. That I’m not trying to hurt them, but to help them. How? Any move he made tended to frighten them, confuse them. They just would not follow. They would not be led or shooed because they feared him. If only be a bird myself he thought. If only I could be a bird and mingle with them and speak their language, and tell them not to be afraid, and show them the way to the safe, warm barn. But I'd have to be one of them, so they could see and hear and understand.
At that moment the church bells began to ring. The sound reached his ears above the sound of the wind. He stood there listening to the bells. Adeste Fideles. Listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas. And he sank to his knees in the snow.
THE CHRISTMAS STORM: A Modern Parable by Paul Harvey
"This is about a modern man, one of us, he was not a scrooge, he was a kind, decent, mostly good man, generous to his family, upright in his dealings with others. But he did not believe in all that incarnation stuff that the Churches proclaim at Christmas time. It just didn’t make sense to him and he was too honest to pretend otherwise. He just could not swallow the Jesus story about God coming to earth as man. I’m truly sorry to distress you, he told his wife, but I’m not going with you to church this Christmas Eve. He said he’d feel like a hypocrite. That he would much rather stay home, but that he would wait up for them. He stayed, they went. Shortly after the family drove away in the car, snow began to fall. He went to the window to watch the flurries getting heavier and heavier, then went back to his fireside chair and began to read his newspaper. Minutes later he was startled by a thudding sound. Then another and another. At first he thought someone must be throwing snowballs against his living room window. Well, when he went to the front door, he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow. They had been caught in the storm and in a desperate search for shelter they had tried to fly through his large landscape window. Well, he couldn’t let the poor creatures lie there and freeze. He remembered the barn where his children stabled their pony. That would provide a warm shelter -- if he could direct the birds to it. He quickly put on his coat and galoshes, trampled through the deepening snow to the barn, opened the door wide, and turned on a light. But the birds did not come in. He figured food would entice them in and he hurried back to the house, fetched bread crumbs, sprinkled them on the snow making a trail to the yellow lighted wide open doorway of the stable, but to his dismay the birds ignored the bread crumbs, and continued to flap around helplessly in the snow. He tried catching them, he tried shooing them into the barn by walking around them waving his arms -- instead they scattered in every direction except into the warm lighted barn. Then he realized they were afraid of him. To them, he reasoned, I am a strange and terrifying creature, if only I could think of some way to let them know they can trust me. That I’m not trying to hurt them, but to help them. How? Any move he made tended to frighten them, confuse them. They just would not follow. They would not be led or shooed because they feared him. If only be a bird myself he thought. If only I could be a bird and mingle with them and speak their language, and tell them not to be afraid, and show them the way to the safe, warm barn. But I'd have to be one of them, so they could see and hear and understand.
At that moment the church bells began to ring. The sound reached his ears above the sound of the wind. He stood there listening to the bells. Adeste Fideles. Listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas. And he sank to his knees in the snow.
Isaiah 9:6 "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
Isaiah 7:14 "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."
Immanuel literally means "God with us." Immanuel or Emmanuel or Imanu'el (עִמָּנוּאֵל "God [is] with us" consists of two Hebrew words: אל (El, meaning 'God') and עמנו (Immanu, meaning 'with us'); Standard Hebrew ʻImmanuʼel, Tiberian Hebrew ʻImmānûʼēl). It is a name used in the Bible in Isaiah 7:14 and Isaiah 8:8. It also appears in Matthew 1:23 in the Christian New Testament.
Isaiah 7:14 "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."
Immanuel literally means "God with us." Immanuel or Emmanuel or Imanu'el (עִמָּנוּאֵל "God [is] with us" consists of two Hebrew words: אל (El, meaning 'God') and עמנו (Immanu, meaning 'with us'); Standard Hebrew ʻImmanuʼel, Tiberian Hebrew ʻImmānûʼēl). It is a name used in the Bible in Isaiah 7:14 and Isaiah 8:8. It also appears in Matthew 1:23 in the Christian New Testament.
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