Isolation and Withdrawal

Today is Dec. 20, 2007 and I am sick of being the way I am ... AGAIN! Time for a fresh start - a new beginning. Thank God that I don't have to wait for "New Year's" to make a brand new start.Just how many times am I going to have to repeat this process!? It's funny ... I just thought of this commercial that is airing on TV right now ... It's by that guy who has invented the fancy vacuum cleaner (not Oreck) and he says something like it took over 5000 prototypes before he finally made the one that worked. (Yes, that's a sign that I have been watching too much TV - will someone please come hide my remote??) I think of a quote attributed to Thomas Edison regarding his inventing the light bulb: "I didn’t fail ten thousand times. I successfully eliminated, ten thousand times, materials and combinations which wouldn’t work."
So I guess a great deal of the Christian walk is to just keep on keeping on until we get it right!
It was almost 6 months ago to the date that I went through a similar "metamorphosis" ... I was coming out of that sexual relationship with S.G., drowning in the guilt and shame of both that relationship and the end of my romantic relationship with M.J. The date was June 22. Time for another rebirth…I am learning more and more about my ongoing struggle with isolation ... hating every minute of it while at the same time loving every minute. Jenn has been my lifeline - I have been in communication with her daily either by phone, chat or email (often all three). Each email or text message of encouragement that I have rec'd from each of you has been invaluable ... even though may now show it or respond immediately.It might not seem like it - but just staying in touch with Jenn was a huge victory for me. I have made a promise to her and to myself that I will continue to make progress in this area of my life by reaching out to others. I love each of you - but it's so hard. There is so much guilt and shame wrapped up in feeling like a spiritual failure! My pride tells me I am not setting the right example for you. But I have to come back to these facts: even in the midst of isolation, God has been working in and through me. Here are a couple of lies that the enemy attacks me with in the midst of these times of isolation and withdrawal:
*… that I have been too open and too vulnerable with people in CR
*… that I am being judged for not being at CR and for withdrawing – that people are withdrawing from me because I am “in sin” (even when I am not)

I must admit that my feelings get hurt when I don’t hear from people, especially others in CR leadership … and I now recognize this as an ugly pattern that has plagued me my entire life. I know that it’s wrapped up in feelings of rejection, pride and the need for attention.

I feel the need to justify why I have not been at CR and in isolation. Is that pride? Or is that accountability? Both? Are there amends that need to be made?
I also believe that in some strange way I have needed the downtime of the past few weeks ... needed the isolation ... to recoup from the events of the past 3 months. So I will not beat myself up ... I will simply complete an inventory of my life - recognize patterns - identify weaknesses - and press on.

Part of my isolation comes from being physically ill – part from needing “downtime” and part from depression … oh yea, and probably some just plain laziness mixed in!

I also know that there a few situations in my life that I seriously need to do a 4th and 5th step on … and I have been putting that off! I have definitely had the desire to “run away!” But it’s time to give myself a huge Christmas present and work through these situations in a healthy way and deal with them once and for all!

I read back over this … and I feel like I have rambled along with no direction. I know that these thoughts and feelings have been racing around inside of heart and mind for about a week now and that I need to share them with you as my friends and as my co-workers in CR ministry.

So this is my journey … the road I am on … thanks for listening. Please say a special prayer for me as I continue to work through this “stuff” over the next few days. I will not give up! My confidence is in Christ.

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 (New American Standard Bible)
“Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 (New Living Translation)
“We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life.”

P.S. Am I the only one who struggles with this tendency to isolate and withdraw??